216. Freedom To Have Boundaries - Jim Newhesiser

Welcome back to the For Freedom Podcast. What an amazing time it is to be in the world and to be in America. We're in America 250, Brett. We just got back from Israel like two weeks before America and Israel attacked Iran. And I don't know how many times you have gotten this question, but I don't think I've went a day in the last 10 days since we've been recording this that someone hasn't said, man, aren't you glad you're not in Israel right now? Man, what would you do if you were there? I'd say, well, I'd have been out when they sent out the notice on that Monday to get out of the country. So, man, it was great to be here. Yeah, they gave plenty of warning to get out. But Brett, how have you been since you got back from the Holy Lands? I've gotten the same thing. People saying, oh, aren't you glad that you're not there? And I guess that some people say it's sincere. Other people say it's kind of a gotcha moment. Yeah. Oh, I got you now. But, you know, the truth is we were safe when we were over there. If there was any danger, we have plenty of time to evacuate if whatnot. You know, of course, you're not going to go over there with a conflict going on. But at the same time, when we were over there, everything was safe. And we came back and we had a slideshow and showed our people. We gave testimonies about some some of the things that happened over there. And it was a great time. And I'm excited to be back at church. I'm excited to be back in the saddle preaching and everything is going good. Although we are now we're fighting yellow snow. We're not not the yellow snow that you're told not to drink. But it looks like haze. It looks like fog down the road because all this pollen that's blowing everywhere. And it has got people's sinuses messed up and coughing and sneezing. And I have been taking allergy medicine and taking, you know, the nasal spray, trying to fight the allergy. So that's what I'm fighting right now. Yeah, absolutely. I'm the same way. I get allergy shots every every month now. I'm almost done with them, but I can already tell like it's there. I can hear it when I'm talking and just a little bit of congestion, not nowhere near what it used to be. But, yeah, this year they're saying this year is going to be like one of the worst years of pollen ever. I think they say that every year. It's always bad for me where we're at. But, yeah, man, we did the same thing. I got to present our church the trip that we went on. I think I've got like nine people already signed up to go back in like two years looking at a date and into 27. I'm so excited about that and being able to take some of our people back. And I keep telling them, why didn't you go with me the last time? Well, we wanted to make sure it was okay. So, yeah, they're signing up for that. I'm excited. I've got a couple of my football players, actually. The dads and the son wants to go. It's like a father-son trip. And so I'm going to leverage that a little bit. That's going to be a good time. But, yeah, we are excited about being back. I'm going to be presenting, I think, next week to our youth about my trip. They're going through the gospel project. They just finished the Old Testament. They're starting in the New Testament for the next two years. And so they've asked me to come in and present and sort of connect some of the dots with pictures of what they've learned and where they're at and where they're going. So I'm excited about that coming up. I'll tell you, there have been a few people that have come up to me and have said, I wish I'd have went with you. Yeah. That said they wanted to go and put it off. And now conflict has started back. And they feel like they've missed their window. And they said, I wish I'd have went with you. And so I have had that as well. I agree. I agree. Brett, church is doing well. Hope you're doing well. Hope your family's staying healthy and wealthy and wise. The prosperity gospel is with us. And it's a great thing. I hope that the church is doing good. And I've been watching some of your stuff online. You're walking through the book of Acts. I'm excited about that. I just finished the book of Acts. So it's good to be listening to some of your stuff and to be hearing some of those same things. It's been great. But church is doing well. Things are going well with family. Oh, yeah. Things are going great. Church is doing good. Like you said, we're going through Acts. We just talked about Acts chapter. We started in Acts chapter 3 this past Sunday. And the title of the sermon was The Broken Man at the Beautiful Gate when Peter raised a crippled man. And, you know, we had a great time with that, with our people. And there's not much else to report. Just getting back into the routine. You know, I'm taking classes, going to school. Now we're planning events and doing things. And things are starting to get busy. We're already working on our vacation Bible school. You know, we're getting an early start this year. And so, you know, it's getting back into the swing of things. Getting back into ministry. Yeah, absolutely. But me and my wife were looking at our calendar because we try to, you know, every three months sort of look through the three-month calendar. And my wife said, James, you know, we're going to be going on a trip in April, May, June, and July. And I said, no, that doesn't happen. That's not going to happen. She said, yeah. She said, April, we're going on our family vacation for spring break. May, I'm on the board of directors for the North Carolina Baptist. And it's at the beach. And so, they pay for the whole family to come out. So, the whole family is going out with me on those couple of days there. And then June is our convention. Excited about going down to Orlando with you. And excited. Guys have been reaching out to me. Hey, are you meeting up? Are you getting people at your house? So, I've already gotten people excited about meeting up with us. And so, if you're going to be in Orlando, if you're in that area, definitely look us up and shoot us a message. We'd love to be with you. And then our 15th anniversary is this year. And so, my plan is to take my wife on a cruise, our first cruise ever in July. But then the end of July, me and you are going to Nicaragua. And my wife's wanting to go to that now, too. And so, we're looking at a trip for that as well. So, man, I just got to look at my calendar. I'm like, dude, this is crazy busy. I don't think I've ever been this many places this much in one small amount of time. So, a lot coming up. A lot coming up. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you this. My people are excited about Nicaragua. I think I have more people signing up to go this time than we did last time. We've got fundraisers going on. We've got a fundraiser this Sunday for our Nicaragua trip. We've got two or three more planned before July gets here. Got to raise a lot of money, get some funds together. So, that way people can go. And so, we're definitely looking forward to it. Yeah. It's going to be great. Hope you'll be joining us. And for Orlando, maybe not Nicaragua, but joining us there. And I'm excited as well. We're going to be able to do some teaching. I'm almost finished with our teaching stuff. And I'll be sending that to you soon, Brett. But we're going to be doing a pastor's conference while we're down there. So, we're excited about encouraging those pastors and being a part of the ministry with United Christian Mission. But without further ado, let's jump into today's episode. Today, we're interviewing Jim Neuheiser. He's the D-Men Director of Christian Counseling and Professor of Christian Counseling and Pastoral Theology at Reformed Theological Seminary right here in Charlotte. He's a member of the Executive Director of the IBCD, where I'm certified through. He's a fellow with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, which is where John is through. And he's a council member of the Biblical Counseling Coalition, the BCC. Man, he's authored so many books. And we've had him on here multiple times. But he just came out with a book called Do I Need Boundaries? Seeking to Please God by Learning to Say No. And I think oftentimes, Brett, we struggle with this. We struggle with saying no to people. And so, this book is a vital book. It's helped me out so much. Hopefully, you'll read it and get it. We'll put a link to our show notes. But Do I Need Boundaries with Jim Neuheiser. We'll jump into it at this time. For freedom, you set me free. Not for change, not for guilt, not for Pharisee. Grace lit the flame, now I'm puffing peace. Cigars and victory justified, released. Welcome to the For Freedom Podcast. This podcast exists to bring the freedom of the gospel for everyday Christians with everyday issues. I ain't saved by dress codes, not by what I eat. I'm covered in the righteousness, washed from head to feet. No tally of tradition, no man-made code. Blood bought my freedom, now I ride that road. They clutch pearls when they see smoke rings rise. But my praise still ascends past the legalist cries. Christ plus nothing, that's the real math. So miss me with your fence laws and your extra path. He sat with sinners, I'm sitting with saints. Sipping grace from the bottle, no room for fakes. I light one for liberty, toast to the king. Every ash a sermon, death has lost its sting. For freedom, he set me free. Not for chains, not for guilt, not for Pharisee. Grace lit the flame, now I'm puffing peace, cigars in victory, justified, released. Oh freedom, he set me free, not for chains, not for guilt, not for vertlecy. Grace lit the flame, now I'm puffing peace, cigars in victory, justified, released. Let grace begin. Oh freedom, he set me free, not for chains, not for guilt, not for vertlecy. Grace lit the flame, now puffed and juice Think causing victory, just to fight And Brett Martin We are honored today to have Jim Neuheiser President, not president, but a professor at RTS And a big leader in the biblical counseling movement He recently came out with a book called Boundaries Do We Need Them? And what that looks like And so we're going to be talking through that today with him And sort of doing a deep dive into his book A surface level look at what his book is about How to have healthy boundaries from a biblical perspective And you know, a lot of times we struggle with boundaries And how to say no And how do we go through this And so we're not nearly just going to be people pleasers in life But we need to simply please God And how that looks like in our life And so Jim, welcome to the podcast Tell us sort of a little bit about why you wrote the book And what's the specific shortcomings That you saw in the popular boundaries teaching I know at the very beginning And even at the end You talked through some popular teachings of the books That are out there And so sort of tell us why you were prompted to write the book Sure, you actually in the intro gave me a pretty good summary That the summary of the book would be Don't go from pleasing people to pleasing yourself Please God And a lot of the boundaries teaching in the most popular book That sold millions of copies Tends to focus on you're being taken advantage of And it's ruining your life And so you need to take control of your own life And take care of yourself And don't let people push you around And you know, they're identifying a real problem But it's so horizontal And I'm trying to bring in the vertical aspect of saying Is people make demands or requests Again, the common problem The famous books identify would be You know, we get pressure from people And we're trying to please them Proverbs 29, 25 says The fear of man brings a snare And the one who trusts in God will be safe And then in Galatians 1, Paul says Am I trying to please men or God? And so we can get into lots of trouble Through people-pleasing Where we overcommit And we get all the things they describe in the book But then the alternative is to say Well, I need me time And I'm going to cancel the people Who take advantage of me And biblically You know, Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5, 9 Our aim is whether absent or present Our aim is to be pleasing to Him Which means I have to evaluate The demands in my life Not selfishly Not just to make other people happy But what would most please God That doesn't always produce a formulaic answer In every situation But it sure is a perspective That will clarify many things So that's kind of the summary And, you know, Romans 15 says We who are strong should bear with the weak So there are times And Jesus was taken advantage of And there were times Jesus said no And so we're trying to have a Godward focus As we set our limits I'll tell you This subject hits me right at home Because I am just a people-pleaser I've always been that way I've always tried I didn't want to disappoint anybody I always wanted to do my best That I can to say yes to everything It's just kind of in me And so what I want to ask you is How does saying no to a person Differ from pleasing God? Well, I'll take the example of pastors Or people in ministry Is that our jobs don't have natural boundaries You know, if I work driving a truck for Amazon Or UPS or whatever I have fixed hours I'm working And then I'm on my own Whereas as a pastor There's always another commentary I could read Another email I could answer Another appointment I could make And people don't always Well, you're kind of on call 24-7, seven days a week If you let that happen And the problem would be If you let And sometimes even in smaller churches It's worse Because everybody thinks they're a shareholder That If every time somebody wants you You jump You may find that you're neglecting Other responsibilities the Lord has given you Especially your family My wife and I do a lot of counseling With pastors and wives And there's no more common issue With pastors and wives Than a wife who has become embittered Because the husband is so married to the ministry That he's neglected his wife and children With broken promises And a text comes in during dinner Or a date night gets canceled Because Mrs. Smith is all upset About the color of the curtains In the bride's room or something And so I think We need to evaluate these opportunities By our understanding of biblical principles And our understanding of our call in life And to bring in Is this what would most please God In light of all the other things The Lord would have me to do And one of those is also rest Well let me ask you How can a reader begin to uncover The hard reason behind their people pleasing Like get down to it Well I think That would again It gets to be the question Would be You know Jeremiah 17 is another passage It says If you put your hope Or you trust in man You'll be like a bush in the desert If you trust in God You'll be like a tree planted by water And so When your mind is consumed with Oh no Mrs. Jones is going to be Upset with me If I don't You know Meet her expectations You know Being afraid of Disappointing people You know They're going to leave the church They're going to not like me We can be manipulated That's actually When the fear of man Brings a snare The snare can be I'm afraid of What people will think Or say And that Keeps me from doing Well fulfilling the calling Of God in my life So Carolina I counseled A pastor and his wife Been married several years And the pastor Has such a sense of duty As a pastor That his wife Has become Frustrated And embittered And it was that very thing Where I'm meeting every night Because he You know Every committee wants him there And He's He's allowing His fear Of disappointing them I don't know Getting fired Or Not being thought of As an amazing pastor He's allowing that To cause him To neglect his Responsibility 1 Corinthians 7 Says The married man Has to be concerned About the things of the world You know To please his wife And You know You can't be a pastor If your wife is miserable Because you've neglected her Yeah absolutely And you know For me Personally The two books That have helped me so much Is Dangerous Calling By Paul David Tripp Yes Read on Keeping boundaries But also Reset by Murray Fantastic book On just how to rest your soul And Those things are Vital for us As pastors But also Even outside of ministry You know You can be married to work And be a mechanic And every time Something happens You've got to be There And you've got to Help people And So So it's Having those Healthy boundaries Are huge and vital One of the things That you talk about In the book That I thought Was fantastic Was just the Biblical principles At work As you go through that The scripture That you brought in Instead of the psychology Right It's easy to bring up The psychology And the studies That man has brought up And really how The wisdom of scripture Can give them As boundaries In our life You know Boundaries They should be informed By biblical priorities As you mentioned In the book Stewardship Of your time Money And our relationships Not necessarily Just about self-preservation So And speaking of that Sort of What were the Biblical texts Or the narratives That helped shape The thinking of this book That helped you the most Sure I actually want to go back To something really good You said It can be a mechanic That's especially If the mechanic Owns the garage That entrepreneurs You know People who are gig workers I would say Also doctors But people There are other jobs That don't have boundaries Other than being a pastor Where You're afraid If you don't Care for that customer By working all day Saturday You'll go to somebody else And You'll lose the business So it's similar I think Positively We've already brought up The fact that Why am I doing this? And you know The fear factor As opposed to Am I really Just looking at How I spend my time And my money In terms of Biblical principle Good stewardship Give another specific example A family member Wants you to Co-sign a loan Or lend them money And You might say Well I don't want to do it But Everybody's putting me Pressure on it They're in trouble You know There are principles In scripture 2 Thessalonians 3 If someone will not work Neither shall they eat In Proverbs 6 And later in the 20s It talks about Not being a pledge For the debt of others And Even the fact that You know The borrower Becomes the lender's slave One problem is that Well a couple problems One is If they can't get credit On their own They probably have already Been unwise with debt The second is If they don't pay you back They don't like Feeling like a slave And they'll resent you So I mean That's just one example I've already given Other examples In terms of The Bible says I'm not qualified To be an elder If I'm not a good Husband To my one wife If I'm Neglect I can't Paul specifically Says that I'm going to have to Adjust my ministry Around the needs Of my family In 1 Corinthians 7 So There's not always A mathematical answer Where you plug it Into a formula But as you just Even that you're Thinking this way Is that according To what I know In scripture You know Am I Spending enough time With my family Am I using my finances Wisely Am I Neglecting Responsibilities God has given me Or am I afraid To say no Not because We say no Because we think This is how I can Please God But are we afraid To say no Because We're fearful That people Will be upset With us Or Not just upset With us We want to be The hero We want to be The guy Everybody can rely Upon to get It all done And Everything depends On us Which can be Pride That Things won't Function in the Church Unless I'm the One who Makes every Visit and Fixes every Problem Yeah Making ourselves Into that You know All seeing I can Can hurt us In the long run Too Thinking that We're the only One that can Fix things And so That's That's definitely A struggle That I think All of us Have Especially when We're young We've got Energy We think Hey I've got All the answers Come to me And so It's good To humble Ourselves in That way And to keep Those boundaries In check And I think That's great Brett What's the next Question we Got Well let's See How do Basic resources Like time And money Become Boundary Formation Arenas Well Proverbs 21 5 Says the Plans of The diligent Lead to Advantage And the One who Is hasty Comes to Poverty I think I would Apply that Verse both To my Time and My money The hastiness I would say Is if you Just kind of Drift With your Money If you Just kind of Spend money As you go Without a Plan You're going To run Out of Money for The rent Or Important things Same thing With time If your Time is Just The tyranny Of the Demands of Others Or the Tyranny Of the Urgent You may May be Guilty Guilty Having Not Planned Carefully Of Neglecting What You Need To Do I See This With My Students That When They You know Friends Want to Hang Out Okay That's Fine It's Good to Hang Out And Have Friendships In Seminary But If You Have A Paper Due And You're Not Getting Ahead On That Or You Have A Plan To Get It Done You're Going To Dishonor The Lord By Wasting The Opportunity You've Been Given To Be In School And To Learn These Things And So A Lot Of Times You're Choosing The Best Things Over Good Things And Expectations Of You Yeah That's A Great Way To Give Some Analogies Of That Wanted To Dig In Just A Little Bit More On That Practical Application You Go Through Some Case Studies In The Book As Well Just To Talk Through Some Of Those Things What What Is One Example From The Book Where Boundaries Please God And They Sort Of Hurt Self By Not Doing The Thing That Was Most Self Pleasing To Yourself But Also It Pleased God What What's An Example You Can Give Well I Mean If I Understand Your Question Correctly One Example Would Be That God Has Called Us To Rest And I Read Through The Bible Every Year And They've Just Gone Through The Manna Section Where They Had To Trust God When They Gather Twice As Much On The Sixth Day They Would Have Enough For The Seventh Day And You Know Even The Old Covenant To Not Work Seven Days Or For Kick Filet To Stay Closed On Sunday You're Trusting There'll Be Enough Chicken Sandwiches Sold The Rest Of The Week Well For Us As Believers Regardless Of People Get Burned Out Because They Don't Rest As God Has Called Us To Rest Sometimes So That Would Be One Example There Are Probably Many More I Could Give Depending On Which Way You Wanted To Go One Of The Things That Our Listeners We've Talked To Many Of Them About Is Some Have Left A Legalistic Church Environment Some Have Left A Spiritually Abusive Church Environment But One Of Difficulties There How Can A Believer Someone Who Loves The Lord Balance Mercy And Discipline In Their Own Life When It Comes To Those Times And Resources Of Loved Ones Sure Well Let Me Back Up A Bit In Terms Of It's Not Just If The Churches But Churches In General Sometimes Can Make Such Demands On People's Time And Money And Even Not Just Pastors But Members Every Night You Gotta Go Door Knocking And Work Day And You're Expected To Do All This For The Church Which Could Lead To A Neglective Family Or Of Rest And So It Can Be Hard Under That Kind Of Social Pressure Also Economically Where I Was In A Church In The Philippines One Time Where I Think There Were Three Or Four Offerings And I Was Thinking On The Fourth We Should Give Generously But Sometimes We Also Have To Pay The Mortgage And There Can Be Pressure Where You Have To Decide Not The Pressure From The Institution Or The Pastor But What Do I Think Is The Wisest Use Of My Time And My Money To Be Generous And To Serve But You Can't Do Everything Everybody Wants Us To Do With Reference To Getting Along With People Who Are Still There I I've Got A Couple Passages In Mind I Mean One Is Romans 12 18 As Far As It's Possible To Be At Peace With All Men I Guess You Realize I'm Not Quoting To King James Although I Think It's A Fine Translation But We Should Try To Be At Peace Especially With People Who Are Really Brothers And Sisters! Cause Him Discomfort In His Imprisonment And Yet He Said If Christ Is Proclaimed I Will Rejoice And So I Think If There People Who Are Trusting In Christ Alone For Their Salvation And That We're Saved By Grace Alone Through Faith Alone In Christ Alone In The Bible Of The Word Of God We Should Affirm Those Things We Have In Common And Not Make It Our Mission To Set Them Straight In Some Cases It's Like A lot Of Other Situations I Talk About In The Book If You Have Children Who Go Off In Other Directions Gender Wise In Some Cases And I'm Not Saying That's The Same But You It's Analogous Where In Some Cases They'll Say Well We Have Our Differences But We Have Family In Common Or We Have Our Differences We My Former Officers In Our Church Came From A Background Where When He Became More Reformed And You Know Whatever Using Other Bible Translations For A While His Parents Completely Cancelled Him And I Mean Would Not Even See Their Grandchildren And Yet I Admire What My Friend Did Because He Kept Trying He Kept Reaching Out And It Was Actually Years Later When His Father Was Facing A Health Crisis And Finally The Parents Reconnected With Them But I Think The Desire For Connection And For Peace On The Part Of My Friend Was Admirable But He Did Not Capitulate And Say Well I'm Going To Agree With You So That Would Be That May Be The Kind Of Situation You're Talking About That's Great Great Brett Well It's Funny That You Came It's Good That You Came Into This Next Area Because You're Kind Of Talking About Unbiblical Boundaries I Think And That Can Lead To Like Relational Severance I Know Of Several Instances I Hear It All The Time Of You Know We Live In Cancel Culture I Hear People All The Time Say They're Going No Contact And They're Cutting Off Relationships Instead Of Kind Of Redeeming Relationships In Love So I Want To Ask You How Do You Distinguish Between Healthy Boundaries From Relational Abandonment Yeah This Is Something Culture Wide Abigail Schreier Who Is Secular Jew As Far As I Know Wrote A Book Called Bad Therapy And She's Talking About Cancel Culture And She She Actually Likens That To A Lot Of The Psychological Counseling And Maybe It's Just An Ear In The Water Now Gen Z Is Getting In Terms Of Seeing Themselves As Victims Of Everything Wrong With Their Parents And Then Of Course The Most Common Thing Happening Now To Christians Is You Have A Family Member Who Comes Out As LGBTQ Whatever And My View Would Be If I Have A Relative Who Is In That Space Like 1 Corinthians 5 Says! They They're Not Believers I Don't Have To Shun Them I Can Have Contact With Them I Can Even Love Them But I Can't Affirm Them And Celebrate Them And I Have Adult Kids Who Are Unbelievers One Who's Kind Of A Radical Theological Liberal And Very Liberal Politically And Our Relationship Kind Of Gets Trained Now And Then But I Think The General Principle Is I'm Not Going To Sacrifice My Faith To Be In Harmony With You Which Is The People Pleasing Part The Real Example That Comes Up Is Okay My Pastor Friend Has A 34 Year Old Daughter Who Comes Out She Decided She Decided She Says She Says You Have To Call Me By My Male Name Use My Pronouns And She Made An Ultimatum To Her Parents And Her Siblings And Anyone Who Doesn't Do That Is Dead To Me Another Example That Comes Up Is You Know Your Son Wants To Marry Another Man And He Wants You To Walk In Down The Is! Girl To Girl And My View Would Be Attending A Wedding You're Not Just An Audience And A Wedding You're Witnesses And You Are Participants In The Ceremony Where That Covenant Is Made Which Is Why I Could Never Do That I Believe Very Strongly That It Would Be Against Scripture In My Conscience To Witness A Covenant Which Is An Open Rejection Of The Lord And So Sadly Many Parents And You've Seen It Happened Sometimes With Famous People When It Becomes Their Grandchild Or Niece Or Whatever Who Capitulate And Say Okay Well I Still Don't Think It's Right But I'm Going To Go And That's Where The Pressure Comes That Would Not In My Mind Please The Lord For Me To Be There But I'm Happy To Have The If They're Both Unbelievers I'm Happy To Go Out To Coffee With Them Some Other Time Or Have Them Over In My Home As Long As I Might Want To Watch out For My Small Children Or Influence But I Think There's A lot Of Pressure Romans 12 Says! As Family Member Or Friend But We May Get Canceled That's Back To Romans 12 18 As Far As It's Possible With You To Be Peace With All Men It's Like I'm Trying To Be Peace With These People But I Can't Give Up My Faith 1 Samuel 2 29 Most Famous Failed Father In The Old Testament Eli It Says He Honored His Sons Above God And My Sons And Sometimes I Can Get Along With My Sons While Putting God First And Sometimes They May Shun Me I Don't Want To Be Obnoxious About It But That May Happen Yeah I Think That's A Great Example And I Think That's The Example Of Jesus He Ate With Publicans And Sinners But He Didn't Affirm Their Sin He Said Go And Sin No More So I Think That Hits The Nail On The Head James Yeah I Think That That's A Great Biblical Application Of What Is In The Culture Today You Know Recently A Couple Years Ago A Famous Pastor Who You Would Know If I Said His Name Had A Whole Controversy About A Homosexual Wedding And What He Would Do To That Wedding And So I Think It's A Faithful Translation Is But Even Beyond That Right How We How We Interact With Other People Being There For Them And Loving Them But Not Affirming What They're Doing This Can Be So Much More Than Just Homosexuality This Can Be Living A Lifestyle Of Drugs Or Promiscuous Or Whatever It May Be You Can Still Love The Person But You Don't Have To Love What They're Doing Or Condone What They're Doing And So I Think That's Faithful Right Go A Couple Comments On That One Interesting Thing Is That Famous Pastor Got Disinvited By Another Famous Pastor From A Conference As A Matter Of Principle And Yet They Still Had Friendship Yeah And That Was An Interesting Way Of Kind Of You Know How That Thing Was Managed Is That Okay Well It Wouldn't Be Appropriate To Speak I Think That Famous Pastor Was Wrong But The Other Famous Pastor Who's Known As Being Kind Of Fundamental Did Not Wreck The Friendship Over It And I Thought That Was A Good Thing I Would Also Mention Briefly That I I Got On My Web On IBCD.org And I've Got Some Books Dealing With The Relationship Between Parents And Their Adult Kids Very Particularly And In Order To Keep The Relationship Not Just On The LGBT Thing But Kids Who I had A Couple Come Up To Me At A Conference This Weekend Where They Have A 25 Year Old Son Who Dropped Out Of College Three Years Ago Sleeps All Day Plays Video Games All Night Says He's Depressed Can't You Won't Work And I Think They Can Be Tempted To Keep! Which Isn't Even Good For Their Son And So I Think Again They Have To How Can We Honor God In Dealing With This Very Hard Situation And Sometimes It Seems Easier To Enable A Loved One's Sin Than To Confront It With Consequences Like Eli Yeah I've Used That Book You Just Reference Multiple Times In Counseling And Helping People And So It's Been A Great Resource We'll Kind Say No Is Sometimes The Most Faithful Stewardship Of What God Has Given Us Our Time Our Money Our Energy And We Can Actually Serve In The Ways We're Called When We Say No What Role Does Stewardship Play In Biblical Boundary Settings Sure Well I mean Jesus Tells Parables Where People Are Given Talents And They're Expected To Use Or Invest Them Wisely And So I Have A Limited Amount Of Time A Limited Amount Of Money I Have Far More Opportunities Some Of Them Good To Use Those Resources Than I Have Resources And If I'm Saying Yes To One Thing I'm Saying No To Other Things And So To Say Yes Even In Terms Of You If You Say Yes To The Need Of To Raise More Money To Build The New Youth Wing And You're Saying No To Paying Your Mortgage That Would Be An Unwise Choice As Noble As It Is To Give To The Church To Say Yes To The People Who Want You To Come To Their Kids Kindergarten Graduation On Thursday Night You're Saying No To Your Wife Whom You Promised To Take Out To Dinner That Night And So That's With Limited Resource Jesus Often Walked Away From Crowds Who Wanted Him To Be With Them And Serve Them He Often Would Go Away Alone To Pray He Disappointed People Sometimes And Because He Kept In Mind He Had A Very Short Adult Life Short Ministry And He Had To Accomplish The Things The Father Gave Him To Do Ephesians 2 10 Says The Lord Is Predestined Good Works For Us To Do! So I Think You're Thinking In In Light Of My Time In Life My Responsibilities! This Opportunity And The Fact That It's Allowable Doesn't Make It Right It May Be Something That Is Lawful But Not Best And Sometimes It May Involve Having To Say To Someone I Would Love To Be With You But I Believe The Lord Has Given Me Other Opportunities Or Other Priorities But I Also Think Part Of The Strategy Would Be We Don't Always! I Mean If It's Your Wife Tell Her But You Know If Somebody Says Can You Come Do This With Me I Don't Have To Say Well I I Got Date Night Or I Got My Kids Baseball Game I Can I Can I Have Other Plans Let's Find Another Time And Sometimes Even Just There'll Be People Who We've Had People I've Joked They Kind Of They'd Move In With Us If We Let Them And I'm Glad They Like Us But We Have To Evaluate Not Just Who's Demanding Most Of My Time But How Can I Be The Best Steward Of My Time! I Know They Want To Talk For An Hour If I Give Them An Hour And So Instead Of If I Know I'm Busy Or I Know I'm On Something I'll Say Hey How About We Meet Tomorrow For Coffee In The Morning And I'll Give You An Hour Of My Time And We Can Talk Then And Instead Of Saying You No It's Let's Repivot Let's Let's Some That Morning Time Or Whatever Time It Is And Move It To A Time Where Hey I Want To Listen To What You Have To Say But Right Now I Just I'm In The Place Where I Can't Give Me Some Time Tomorrow We Can We Can Do That So I Think There's Wisdom In That To A Couple Similar Things That To Make Another Appointment Immediately After The Time You Want To Give Them So That You Have An Out Yeah That's Good That's Good Stuff Right There I'm Writing That One Down So My Last Question Had To Do With Pleasing God You Know Boundaries Are Not Ends In Themselves They Are Means! I Think That The Believer Who Starts There Is Already Way Ahead Of The Game And Because We're Not Omniscient I'm Not Going To Get Revelation Saying Spend Time With This Person And Not That Person Exactly But I Just Think You Know In Light Of What Does The Bible Say About Pleasing The Lord In Terms Of My Responsibility To To Serve The Lord In The Church My And So You Know Am I Just Think Instead Of Thinking Oh I Don't Want To Disappoint These People Thinking In Terms Of In Light Of In My We Also Talk In The Book Some About Different Times In Life Where You Know I Think Of A Mom That My Wife When We Had Children In The Home Did Not Do As Much! Counseling Or Teaching As She Does Now! Three Than Four People And She Did Not Need To Be Ashamed Of The Fact That She Wasn't Able To Do All The Things And Titus 2 Talks About Now The Older Women Can Mentor The Younger Women And So Even At Different Times In Life You're Just Thinking Where I Am Now My Understanding Of My Calling From The Lord Do I Think In Light Of The Things I Could Most Of Us Do Well At Thinking In That Grid I Think We Tend To Be Very Horizontal In Terms Of Either In The Two Wrong The Two Lower Priorities Of You Know Will These People Be Upset With Me Or I'll Be Less Of A Hero In Their Eyes Or Even Selfishly I Was Really Looking Forward To Whatever Easy Fun Thing I Could Do Which Is Not Always Wrong But Maybe The Best Thing Is To Say Well You Know I Know There's A Football Game That Night But This Person Is In The Hospital And Sometimes I Shouldn't Please Myself I Should Be Willing To Please Others But Just Operating On That Grid I Think Would Put Most People Way Ahead Yeah Absolutely And I Think That's A Great Lens And A View To Have And What I Want One Thing That Comes To Mind Would Be To Ask Your Wife If You're Married Or Your Husband Do You Believe Well What Do You Think About This In Light Of My Responsibilities What Do You Think In Terms Of You Know Am I Enough Here For Our Family Proverbs 31 Says The Heart Of Her Husband Trusts In Her The Teaching Of Wisdom Is On Her Lips I Think Also There's A Lot In Proverbs About Seeking Counsel In General And So As You're Trying To Evaluate If You're Really Confused Or You're Really Feeling That Pressure To Have Godly Mentors To Help You Work Through Your Priorities When I Was Serving As A Pastor In California I Would Periodically Map Out Here's How I Spend The Hours Of My Week! And I Spend This Much Time Studying I Spend This Much Time Working In A Counseling Ministry I Spend This Much Time Teaching Here Whatever And As Men To Whom I'm Accountable Are You Satisfied With That Would You Have Me Change Anything There Now That That's Particularly For Me In That Situation I Think We Could Also Do That For Others In Terms Of Yeah Again I Think I I! I! I!! Sometimes It I'm Trying to Decide Do I Get This Extra Bit Of Education Which Could! Potentially lead To A Better! But!! Going To Require Sacrifice For The Family And So You Know An Abundance Of Counselors There's Wisdom But At Least You're Starting By Saying Help Me Understand How I Can Best Please God And How I Can Love Others Well As I Work Through This Decision I Love It I Think It's Great And Jim Thank You So Much For Coming! On And Sharing This Wisdom Today On How To Have Godly Boundaries And How To Manage That Well And I Thank You For Your Time I Know That You Are A Busy Man But Right Now We're In The Middle Of A Snowstorm When This Comes Out It'll Be A Couple Months Before This And It's Got A And Our Family Needed More Than I Thought And You Know You're Out Walking With Your Bride And I Love That And Thank You For The The Fact That I'm Multitasking A bit Now Is Kind Of An Illustration Of The Principle As I've Committed To Walk With My Wife An Hour Every Day And This Morning It Was Too Cold Earlier And I Asked If It Was Okay If I Thank You Dear Listener If There Is Anything We Can Do For You Let Us Know Until Next Time To God Be The Glory Great Things He Has Done Happiness I Been Singing! Ever Since About My Freedom In You Thanks For Listening To The For Freedom Podcast If You Enjoyed Our Content Do Us A Favor By Liking Subscribing Or Sharing Our Podcast On Whichever Podcast Platform You Use Be Sure To Join Us Next Time For The For Freedom Podcast You AVAILABLE NOW

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