12. Grace for the Abused

Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know, I recorded the podcast episode for today, and after I got done, I realized that I covered some pretty sensitive subjects when talking about this situation of abuse. And so I wanted to give a little bit of a trigger warning. This may be an episode that you take slowly, listen a couple of bits at a time. It may be an episode that you need to mentally prepare for if you've been through any type of sexual abuse in your life as we get through it. But the intention of the episode is to give help from God's Word for those that were abused. And so I appreciate it, and I hope this helps you. Thank you. John Holyfield. And welcome back everybody to the For Freedom Podcast. I am your host, John Holyfield, and it is good to be back. I hope everybody's had a good week. And as we move forward with the few episodes that I've already done on abuse, we're going to continue on with that subject and continue on with the topic of abuse that talked about domestic abuse with Joy Forrest, Biblical Counselor Joy Forrest. And then we also, last time, I discussed definitions of abuse. And so in this one, I want to talk about grace for the abused. And so the purpose of the podcast is to not only bring about the ideas of legalism and the truth of the abuse that's going on within the IFB church or the church in general, I guess you could say, but also to overshadow that and show that we can have hope, we can have grace, we can grow through the scriptures, encompassing that through the scriptures. So as we go through this subject, I think that it's important to apply the Bible, go to the Word of God as it concerns this topic of abuse. So with that being said, I am going to go ahead and talk about a couple of resources and where I've gotten some of this information that I'm going to give you today. And I'll link all three of these on the show notes. The first one is by Robert Kellerman. Robert Kellerman is a biblical counselor. He wrote a booklet. It is about 39 pages. It is sexual abuse, beauty for ashes. It is a excellent booklet. I highly recommend it. The other one is caring for survivors of sexual abuse by Bosch Vivian and Justin Holcomb. That one was a good one. I'm going to be referring to a couple of quotes from there. And then the other one is sexual assault, healing steps for victims by David Pallison. David Pallison, one of the leaders of the biblical counseling movement. He's passed on now. But he has left a host of resources for the church and some great, great stuff. And so I'm going to be referring to things and processes, biblical help and steps from his booklet as well. And I'll link all three of those to the show notes. Let me say this. Here's a quote from David Pallison. Sexual assault is an invasive and traumatic evil. Now, if you're listening to this and that's been part of your past, then you know that. If you're listening to this and it has not been a part of your past, part of this is to educate you. Part of this is to help you get it. Okay? And so that is very key for us moving forward. Sexual assault is an invasive and traumatic evil. So, first of all, the problem of a sexual abuse in the church. Bob Kellerman said, Sexual abuse ravages the soul. It causes unimaginable distress, damage, and disgrace. It is faced honestly and openly in the Bible. Yet we either mistreat it or we ignore it. Is that true? I wonder how many of you could say that you've actually heard somebody preach a message on sexual abuse or talk about the subject. I mean, how many messages when we go to the life of David are spent on the story of Absalom and Tamar, which we're going to be dealing with today. But sort of skipped over real quick because we don't want to make people feel uncomfortable. But not practical help is given to maybe somebody that may be in the church congregation that's going through that. But Pallison said, Sexual assault is a crime of power, domination, and control that uses sex. And I think this is probably one of the biggest areas of misunderstanding as it concerns sexual assault, sexual abuse. And that is the idea of the power dynamics. And again, I want to refer you to the power control wheel that we talked about on the domestic abuse episode with Joy Forrest. And understanding that people that are in positions of power or that have a semblance of a viewpoint of power, they can easily manipulate and use that power to abuse someone that is under them. Okay, so people a lot of times, whenever there's a sexual abuse, jump to the comment of, well, why didn't you just leave? Why did you put yourself in that position? Very unhelpful. And that is normally not understanding this situation, especially as it concerns the church. What do you have in most churches as far as the culture goes? You have young people, or maybe not even young people, but young adults or people that, especially if the ministry is on a larger scale, that look up to the leadership as spiritual leaders, as people that they can trust and that they give quite a bit of loyalty to or trust to, to guide them and lead them in the direction that they're supposed to go. Now, you can debate all day long whether that's a good idea or not, but I will say this, in some ministries, that's actually pushed that the people relinquish that trust to the leaders. So if you've been in that ministry, if you've been in that culture of a church, and that is the attitude of the way people are supposed to relinquish that, then you put somebody in one of those power situations with a young girl, or maybe not even a girl that's underage, but maybe a young man or a young girl that is an adult with one of those leaders. And somebody uses that power to then take advantage of them and take control of them. And as we're going to see a little bit with what the effects of that happens, we have to step away from asking and interrogating the survivors of these types of abuse situations. Baz Javidjian, in Caring for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, says, We've given up counting the number of times survivors have shared about how they were callously reproached after stepping out of the shadows to disclose being abused. We're talking about inside the church. The progression usually begins with a gentle admonishment, not to talk too much about it, coupled with a rationale that the admonishment is for the well-being of the survivor. When a gentle admonishment fails to do the trick, the next step is often a strongly worded admonishment intended to intimidate the survivor into silence. If the strongly worded admonishment doesn't work, the abused survivor will often be criticized and shamed by those who demand their silence. When all else fails, leaders may attempt to marginalize or ostracize the survivor, hoping they will simply walk away into a silent abyss. The few who survive this toxic process find themselves re-traumatized and faced with the realization that the church is not the place to see Jesus or experience his love. How sad. Boz goes on to talk about, Survivors can also be rebuked by churches that fail to understand the complex emotional and spiritual dynamics of abuse and those who offend. A silent church communicates to survivors that the abuse should be ignored or forgotten, disregarding the claims of a survivor communicates insignificance. And this is the seriousness of the subject that we have to change our mindset. We have to completely change the way we think when we're going to these situations. Too many times we run to restoring the perpetrator, restoring the abuser, instead of caring and comforting the victim. And that's got to be turned on its head. Rachel Denhollander said, If your response indicates that they are not safe and have not been believed, it often takes years for a victim to seek help after being crushed, even unintentionally. We're talking about lives. And in the church, as we're going to see from the scriptures today, it is God's desire to care for these, to love on these people that have gone through this. And we have failed miserably at it. Leslie Vernick, who does a lot of work with domestic abuse as well, biblical counselor, says, There are many resources on this that you need to, if you're in church work, if you're in ministry work, listen to me, there are many resources that you need to get your hands on. The first one needs to be On Guard by Deepak Raju, Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse at Church. I talked about this in the last episode, The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide for Churches and Ministry by Bozjovijian and Shira Berkovitz. And then one that I'm currently reading right now, and this is for churches, and there's actually an online video program, you can go with it, by the general editor is Brad Hambrick, and it's called Becoming a Church That Cares Well for the Abused. Get educated. Get trained in this area. Get trained in this subject. Leslie Vernick also says, abusers are experts at deflecting responsibility and blaming their victims for the abuse. It's interesting to me, it really boggles the mind how, within the church, within the church, when an abuser that's in the church commits abuse, they then have a time of guilt and shame once they've been caught. Then there's a coming out of that guilt and shame with saying that I've repented. I've gotten right with God. And then, an attitude of you should accept me back. It's all under the blood. And, guys, that's just not true repentance. That is not true repentance with an abuser. I remember with my brother, and he, the trial that he went through, he sat in the local jail for almost a year before the verdict was given, and the plea agreement was reached, and then he was sentenced, and then he went to state prison in North Carolina. And, I remember going and visiting him. He'd been in, counting the jail time, probably two years, if that. And, I remember him asking me, do you think I still need to be in jail? And, at the time, I was just flabbergasted that he would ask that question. Do you think I still need to be in jail? Do you think I still need to be in prison? And, I didn't realize it at the time, but now, just that question right there shows a fundamental misunderstanding of repentance. And, a fundamental disregard for the abused and those that he hurt. So, let's move on now to grace for those abused in the church. One thing that I want to get across here, and, I know that this is, this is going to be help for those that are people helpers that want to work, want to help those, maybe somebody comes to you in the future, some, some scripture that will help, understand it, to help people through this. Maybe you're listening to this, and you're very tender, you're very raw, you're hurt. Please understand my heart here. Okay? My, my heart and my goal is, is to help, is to show that the Bible, the truth of God's word, has help for you. and for many people that have been hurt in such a way, it takes the truth, and it takes those things that help with time, and, and, and growing through that, and, and working through that, and it may need that you need biblical counseling. Go to biblicalcounseling.com. They have a link there on biblicalcounseling.com to find a counselor. Put in your address or your zip code. Find a biblical counselor in your area, and, and, and, and work through that with them. The first thing I want to say is, God is extremely tender toward victims. God is extremely tender toward victims. He cares about those that have been abused. Psalm 147.3 says, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. The Bible records a number of sexual assaults. We, we talked about this a little bit last time. Genesis 19, Genesis 34, Judges 19, it's a very wicked story that talks about sexual assault, rape. 2 Samuel 13, which is what we're going to be looking at in just a minute. And God's message to you, David Pallison says, is, I am indispensable. I am indispensable. Listen to 2 Corinthians 1, 8, and 9. For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. We despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. Now, understand what Paul is saying here. No, Paul didn't go through a sexual abuse or some type of thing like that. But, they were in a state where many sexual abuse victims get to. Where they despaired of life itself and received death. They felt like the hurt that had been done to them, that on the inside of their being, they had died. Now, listen to what Paul says. God was to make us rely not on ourselves, but on God who, check this out, raises the dead. Raises the dead. If you are in a despair because of what has been done to you, to where you feel that you've died on the inside, take hope. Take encouragement because God is there. He cares for you and He is the God, as Paul says, who raises the dead. So, that despair, that death that is inside of you because somebody has victimized you can be brought back to new life again. All this to say, we need God and He cares. the Bible teaches us that sexual abuse is ultimately spiritual abuse. It attacks body and soul. It attacks body and soul. It is much more than a physical act. And so, these notes right here give credit to Bob Killerman who writes this in his booklet. And he gives four things that happens when somebody is assaulted or abused. and so, this is from 2 Corinthians 13, 1-12. I want to read the passage. Now, Absalom, David's son, had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar. And after a time, Amnon, David's son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because his sister, because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin. And it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man. And he said to him, Oh, son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me? Amnon said to him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister. Jonadab said to him, Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat and prepare the food in my sight that I may see it and eat it from her hand. So Amnon laid down and pretended to be ill. And when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight that I might eat from her hand. Then David sent home to Tamar saying, Go to your brother Amnon's house and prepare food for him. So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house where he was lying down and she took dough and kneaded it and made cakes in his sight and baked the cakes. And she took the pan and emptied it out before him. But he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Send out everyone from me. So everyone went out from him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, Bring the food into the chamber that I may eat from your hand. And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, Come, lie with me, my sister. She answered him, No, my brother, do not violate me for such thing is not done in Israel. Do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king for he will not withhold me from you. The damage of loss of trust. Kellerman says the very person who should protect Tamar violated her instead. Who was that person? Her own family. Her brother. He should have been the one protecting her and he violated it. And when we talk about sexual abuse in the church, that is the case. That is the thing that is going on because the people that should be protecting them, that should be their guide, their leaders, the ones that are supposed to give to them the feeling of safety, violates and steals and strips that safety from them. Satan knows that God built us to trust him. He also knows that because of the fall, our inclination is to trust ourselves or anyone and anything but God. So, Satan loves to feed our distrust of God with betrayal by those who ought to be trustworthy. Here's the double-edged sword of the damage of loss of trust that happens with sexual abuse in the church. When those that represent God that we are supposed to feel safe with betrays that trust and violates someone, then many times the victim or the survivor of the abuse views God in that manner as well because the one that represented God to them in their eyes victimized them in that way. And so, the work that we try to do in helping someone or if you're listening to this, what I want to try to get across to you is that it was not God that did this and God cares for you but it was wicked and sinful and God believes and God sees that as wicked and sinful. The next is the damage of powerlessness. Listen to verses, I read up to verse 13, listen to verse 11 through 14. When she brought him near to him, he took hold of her and said to her, Come, lie with me, my sister. She answered, No, my brother, do not violate me for such a thing is not done in Israel. Do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king for he will not withhold me from you. But he would not listen to her. And being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. And this is the damage of powerlessness. In verse number 12, it says that force, let's see, verse 12, I got that note wrong. But the word force that's used in some of the text is, means to oppress, to humiliate, to violate, and to abuse. And this is the feeling that many of those that are abused walk away with. They felt powerlessness because this thing that they didn't want done to them, they couldn't do something about. Or they felt and believed that they couldn't do anything about. And so they felt shame. They felt it was their fault. They were for some reason to blame. The next one is the damage of shame. Verse 13 through 17. As for me, where could I carry my shame? Now as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king for he will not withhold me from you. But he would not listen to her and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her with a very great hatred so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, Get up! Go! But she said to him, No, my brother, for this is wrong. Sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me. But he would not listen to her. He called the young men who served him and said, Put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her. This is the damage of shame. Kellerman says, Many sexual abuse victims feel a tremendous amount of false guilt that leads to a sense of worthlessness and soul ugliness. Let me read that again. Many sexual abuse victims feel a tremendous amount of false guilt that leads to a sense of worthlessness and soul ugliness. And if you're listening to this and you've been abused or victimized in that way, let me say to you, it wasn't your fault. There was nothing that you can do that can invite someone to damage you or abuse you in that way. That is on them, not you. And when we hear people that try to blame the victims, and that adds to it, especially in the church, whenever we hear preaching that slams victims and says that if somebody, you know, it's about what a woman wore that caused her to be raped. Who slew all of these? Women in shorts? Who slew all of these? These poor kids that are, the girls pregnant before they married caused boys to get so stirred up passionately that they'll rape a girl. Brother, you listen to me. For every single man that goes to prison for rape, there ought to be right beside him a half-naked girl in the next place. Who slew all of these? People on beaches? Who slew all these? Churches that have mixed swimming parties? That is wicked. And it is wrong, and it leads to many of these that are abused and are victimized by somebody, some wicked person, to stay silent and to feel this false guilt that they did something wrong. Number four, the damage of being used and feeling useless. Verse 18, Now she was wearing a long robe with sleeves, for thus were the virgin daughters of the king dressed. So this servant put her out and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. and she laid her hand on her head and went away crying aloud as she went. And her brother Absalom said to her, Has Amnon, your brother, been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother. Do not take this to heart. So Tamar lived a desolate woman in her brother Absalom's house. This story is heartbreaking. And I challenge you to read it and if you read it slowly, meditate on it. And if you read this story and your heart does not ache and your heart does not hurt for those that have been victimized like Tamar, you need to sincerely go to God and ask Him to break your heart over this. So, moving on, finding God in your struggle. These are some notes that are taken from David Pallison's booklet. Finding God in your struggle. First thing he says is this, face what happened. Face what happened. Redemption begins with acknowledging what happened to you. Redemption begins with acknowledging what happened to you. Psalm 46.1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in the time of trouble. Commit that verse to memory. Put that verse in front of you. Realize that. Believe that. That God is a very present help in the time of trouble. I did a lesson in our Sunday school at our church not a few weeks ago and talking about dealing with your past. And many people struggle with their past and the secular world's view of dealing with your past is one of two areas. Number one, completely embrace your past. Whatever you did in your past, whether it was wrong or whether it was good, whatever it is, own it. It was awesome. Whatever. That's not correct because that's not biblical because there are things in our past that maybe we did do wrong and we need to understand that's wrong. Just because we did it doesn't make it right. And just because we're on this side of it and everything seems to be okay now doesn't mean that it then makes that okay. Now I stepped away from talking about abuse. Now the other way of dealing with your past may be in the area of being abused or being victimized. And that is the viewpoint of forget your past. Deny your past. It didn't happen. Ignore it. Conquer it. Get over it. Don't even bring it up. Both of those viewpoints are wrong and unbiblical. The way that the Bible teaches us to deal with our past is to redeem the past. And that is letting Christ redeem your past whether it's I like the way Tony Evans talks about it. He said God wants to use the good, the bad, and the ugly in your life to work out something amazing to serve others, to help others, to serve the kingdom. He wants to use the good things. Everybody's done some things that they do look back and say yes I did that and that turned out okay. I did well there. Everybody's done things that they shouldn't have. All have sinned and come short of the glory of God. We've all done things that we shouldn't have. And then all of us have had ugly happen to us. And so when you're talking about somebody that's been abused or been victimized we're talking about that ugly. And so the biblical view is that God wants, God through Christ can redeem that past and make it and use it, work it together for good to be used for His glory. So face what happened. Number two, face your reactions to what happened. Now this is going to be hard and this is difficult. Listen to what the psalmist says in Psalm 55.4, My heart is in anguish within me. The terrors of death have fallen upon me. And this is what Pallison is getting across here. Enter into your grief. Again, this may be something that you need to do with a biblical counselor or a very close friend. But enter into your grief and grieve. Understand what happened. Face your reactions to what happened. I remember reading a book, I think it was going through the story of Job by Chuck Swindoll and he told a story of a friend of his where they had something, I think they had lost a child or something like that. And they were just grieving but they were just holding it in. And his friend got into his car and he told Chuck Swindoll, he said that he went on a drive and he said that as he was driving he just let it out. He just grieved. And he said he screamed, he cried, he said, I said things to God that I would never, he said, nobody's ever going to know what I said to God. He said, but I talked to God and I just let it all out. He said, I cursed and I just talked to God. And his friend looked at Chuck Swindoll and said this, and you know what? God can handle that. Can I tell you something? As you're working through this process, understand this, God can handle it. God can handle it. Lean on him. Rely on him. Number three, face Jesus. Face Jesus. Isaiah 43, 2, when you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you. Listen to what David Pallas said. I love this line. God's reality runs deeper than the reality of evil. God's reality runs deeper than the reality of evil. Face Jesus. Turn to Christ. Turn to God. Run into his arms. Run to the truth of scripture and let the truth of God and the Holy Spirit just envelop you and bring you in and work towards healing. This is another one. I think I just, I shared this on social media. David Pallas said, you are defined by his love for you, by God's love for you, not by the evil that someone else imposed on you. And then number four, let me say this, replace bitterness with forgiveness. Replace bitterness with forgiveness. Romans 12, 9. Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil. Hold fast to what is good. Let me read that again. Listen to everybody. This is for everybody. Listen to this. Love, let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil. We should hate what is evil. Sexual abuse, especially by the clergy in the church, is evil. We should abhor that. Hold fast to what is good. Mark 11, 25. And whenever you stand praying, forgive. If you have anything against anyone so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive your trespasses. Listen to what Pallison said this, though. Listen to this about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean what happened to you was okay or can be excused. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened to you was a small, unimportant thing. Forgiveness does not mean you will forget what happened to you. Forgiveness does not mean you shouldn't seek to have the perpetrator justly punished by the law and put where he cannot harm others. That is not bitterness. And just by doing those things does not mean that by forgiveness we're getting rid of those things. All of those things are part of it. It's life. You can have forgiveness and still have these things. Understand this. Live with this. What does forgiveness mean? Forgiveness says what happened was wrong, destructive, cruel, and inexcusable, but you are choosing to not take personal vengeance. Why? Because God does that. And can I tell you something? There's not one thing that you or anybody else can do that can do vengeance better than God can. So leave it in his hands and forgive. Now, bringing this thing to a conclusion, I want to finish with one quote here. One quote, sometimes, David Pallison said, sometimes people talk about recovery from a terrible experience, but recovery means getting back to what was. That's not going to happen. It's better to think about the process you are in as renewal. renewal. So that's my prayer today. That's my hope. That if you've been through this, that you can find renewal in the love of God and the grace of God through these scriptures. Go through the Psalms. Some of the Psalms that are written, the psalmist that was writing those things is in deep lament, is in some dark, dark places. And so that may be the psalm that you need to identify that and go through that. Find a biblical counselor. And I pray that this has helped you. If you're not going through this, if you're somebody that works with people, listen, help others get through to the renewal of their life into the love of God and the grace of God as we work through this. I think this is part of the gospel's work in us. Part of the gospel's work is the love of God taking over our lives. And so, having that flesh out in all areas of helping others as they go through these difficulties in life and these situations. Well, I'm excited about next. I'm not going to tell you what's going on in the next episode until I finalize some things, but I'm excited about next week. I hope this helped you, and so be looking forward to next week's episode. I'm pretty sure it's going to be an interview episode, so I'm pretty super pumped about that. Thank you for listening to the podcast. If you liked it, if this has helped you, give a share, spread the message, help us to get God's truth out there to people that have come out of this type of situation. I appreciate a rating or review of the podcast. Thank you for listening, and until next time, to God, not the pastor, be the glory. will Thank you.

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